the one about depression
last year as a part of our team building, we decided to do a series we called chalk talk, i decided to talk about mental health. with bell let’s talk day coming on Wednesday, I decided to share what I wrote last year.
if you need help, certainly reach out for help. there is a lot of it out there, a lot of great people willing to help you wherever you are.
Canadian Mental Health: Help in your area
Everyone knows someone that’s affected by depression & anxiety even if you don’t know it. There’s teachers, students, coaches, co-workers, parents that all deal with some sort of anxiety or depression. Throughout this talk I will be talking about Depression and anxiety as they can be interchangeable, although they can be very different. As most people with depression get anxious as well. But anxiety doesn’t always mean you’re depressed.
Let's look at the Stats!
What causes Anxiety or depression?
A complex combination of genetic, biological, personality and environmental factors causes mental illnesses.
Almost one half (49%) of those who feel they have suffered from depression or anxiety have never gone to see a doctor about this problem.
Stigma or discrimination attached to mental illnesses presents a serious barrier, not only to diagnosis and treatment but also to acceptance in the community. Having worked with people who try to help people with these issues, actually talking about it is usually the hardest part of getting help.
Mental illnesses can be treated effectively through a variety of different things. Counselling, medication, talking to people. Inpatient and outpatient therapy
How does Anxiety/Depression feel?
What does anxiety/depression feel like
Tito Mosquito from Big Mouth (think about a mosquito buzzing around when you’re trying to sleep and the frustration that comes with it.)
The way I explain anxiety to someone is to clench your fist as tight as you can and drink a few red bulls in a row. You’re super tense and on edge, it doesn’t take much to set you off, for you to lose your cool. That's how I felt physically for a long time without knowing it.
Mentally it feels like I just ran a few laps in a row at max speed, you know that feeling right? It’s not fun, especially when you don’t know what’s causing it.
Depression is a little different, where it feels like a huge weight on your chest, and you don’t feel capable of doing anything. It feels like you ran a marathon. Just exhausted and incapable of moving. Also, the depression kitty from big mouth. s/o to big mouth for making these things tangible
How does it affect youth?
Today, approximately 5% of male youth and 12% of female youth, age 12 to 19, have experienced a major depressive episode.
Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as hobbies or sports
Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
Mental illness is increasingly threatening the lives of our children; with Canada’s youth suicide rate the third highest in developed countries.
But there is good news! Once depression is recognized, help can make a difference for 80% of people who are affected, allowing them to get back to their regular activities.
My Story
I am depressed, and I have been for a long long time. I don’t really talk about it much, as who wants to talk about those things? I mean, if someone asks, I’ll share. Generally, I don’t talk about it because I don’t want people to feel like I’m fragile, like I’m going to cry or be mad at their honest opinion. I want honesty, even if it’s an uncomfortable conversation. Being open and managing to be vulnerable is the hardest, but most important skill to have when dealing with anxiety & depression.
I’ve always been such a nervous person. I would have a lot of self doubt, I would stay home from classes that involve speaking or discussing topics aloud. I would drop classes in school if they had presentations. I would always hide in the back. I had no confidence to share my thoughts with my peers.
When I was younger, I thought all of that was valid. I never did anything to prove that I was a capable person, so why would I change now? My value in myself was very low and it still can be at times. It’s a hard voice to avoid, it’s always talking and its rarely good. I would get angry/heated easily, or emotional easily. I’ve always been kind of a reserved person, but it would not take much for me to become emotional (either angry or sad).
I first realized I was depressed when I watched Bojack Horseman. (Stupid piece of S*** episode) The whole episode was in his perspective and we were hearing his inner thoughts. For some people it would be deemed as funny, but for me it was eye-opening. Like, “oh, that’s what it sounds like inside my head everyday”.
After watching that episode I talked to my sister and my GF about it (thankfully they were honest). They agreed with me and since then I’ve been working to make it easier for myself as well as the people around me. As if its as easy as that, right?
How I got help.
I went to the doctor and talked about what was going on. She was very helpful and realistic. At the end of our conversation we decided I should try antidepressants. (SSRI’s)
They help slow down the depletion of serotonin (the chemical that makes you happy). Keeping it at a higher level.
It sucked initially, because of the initial side effects. Which really just messed up my sleep, i got cold sweats, I was much more tired than normal, and often nauseous. Thankfully, the side effects lasted only a week or so. It was a long few days but I wanted to stick it out.
After a few weeks you start noticing the differences, but only if you pay attention. I remember getting ready to do a presentation, and physically I used to feel a little anxious, extra sweaty, and on top of that I tend to just shut down physically & mentally. But this time, I felt fine. I recall anticipating those feelings, but they never came. I was shocked. Where are the shakes? Where’s that feeling that you’re gonna vomit every time someone asks your opinion or a question. For the first time in a long time, I felt free. Like i didn’t have to work around my anxiety
A little pill taken everyday has changed my life.
For the next couple of years, I would start noticing the things that I used to be intimidated by were not much of an issue. I mean, look at what I am doing now. The only time I would talk in front of people before was if I was being paid or I had to do it for school credit; even then I was subpar at best.
Even coaching, I always wanted to coach but I never believed anyone was interested in what I thought, or if I even knew enough to be a legit coach.
Alas, I’ve come a long way from then and I’m slowly starting to believe the praise people always gave me.
I was feeling good about myself and was really getting better at a lot of my issues, becoming more responsible, especially the people around me. Then 2020 showed up. It’s like mine and everyone’s lives got thrown for a loop. It started a year ago today, with Kobe’s death. I still remember it, we had practice at the training center. I remember leaving practice and seeing the news. I sat in my car and took it all in, I was shocked. My favorite player growing up, a guy that just retired, had passed away. It’s still surreal, even a year later.
Kobe’s news seemed to have started a long winding road of stress. Some things that really took a toll on me included:
COVID taking the normal away from our lives
Not being able to go to provincials with both basketball teams
We worked so hard to get to that point. But still won the banner!
Grandfather passed, couldn’t go to his funeral.
Being stuck inside a house for months and with limited to very little to do, but dwell in your own thoughts.
Too many people in my life were diagnosed with cancer.
Not coaching, no basketball at all.
No gym
Haven’t been able to see my sister/mom, they live away.
Fear of catching and spreading COVID.
Learning to be in social settings again.
So many weddings I couldn’t attend because of restrictions.
The scariest part of 2020 was on December 11th, personally. I had just dropped off my partner at work, ironically it’s the hospital. I came home and I started to feel my chest, radiating to my left arm, then I was getting short of breath. It all happened within minutes. I thought about staying home but I couldn’t risk it. I was showing all the signs of a person having a heart attack. My family has a history of heart issues, including a brother that had lost his life because he had a hole in his heart. So I drove to the hospital as quickly as I could, then checked into the hospital(probably not the best idea looking back). I had all the symptoms, thought that was it for me. I’m not going to make it out of my 30’s. I was there for 90 minutes, which seemed like a blur. They gave me a bunch of tests and lots of needles. I remember lying on the stiff hospital bed thinking this was it. I will never see my family, my girlfriend, all my friends, my dog. I couldn’t breathe, I was inconsolable. It can’t end like this, I haven’t done enough. I still have a lot of life to give. After an hour, the doc came back and said everything was okay, you had a severe panic attack. All that stress that I’ve been dealing with made me feel like I was going to die. That’s how stress can intensely affect your body. It was surreal, how can something that can start as a small thought turn into something so intense to the point where you think you are going to die?
Since then I have done a lot to ensure I am getting out more and socializing, even if it feels like a lot of work. I’ve been trying to be more vocal about how I feel, and saying no to the things I don’t feel comfortable doing or just don’t have the time for. Depression & Anxiety is something I live with everyday, meaning, even on my best day, there’s likely going to be something that will cause me to have an attack, if even for a second. But as a person with lived experience, I feel comfortable enough to talk about it, as I have done the work to make it manageable, and I am doing my best to not let it dictate my whole life anymore. I’ve done a lot of work to be more self-aware of myself and my feelings and how they affect the people around me.
Think about someone with asthma, or having blurry vision. It’s an issue, but it’s manageable with the proper care.ie glasses and puffers. No one ever told someone to just see better, or get better at breathing. Why would we say to someone with anxiety that “it’s nothing, shake it off and it’ll be okay”. You need to talk it out, challenge those thoughts, even if it feels impossible.
Depression is like a weight that people carry around at all times. Like a sack of potatoes, it feels big and heavy and always in the way and holding you back from living the life you want to live.
Sometimes depression is a chemical issue where it doesn’t matter what is going on in your life, it can feel like you have no control over it.
Sometimes there’s real stress in your life or around you and that can turn into physical stress. Feeling like you’re going to be sick, nauseous, incapable of doing something that is regularly easy to you.
The reason I am talking about this is because If you see any of these signs, get it treated now. Don’t wait until you're in your 30’s watching a show about a cartoon horse and have your “Aha” moment. Nip it in the bud now, while it is manageable through counselling, medications, better communication, or a mix of all of it.
The hardest part of living with the sickness is that in reality, when I sit back and think about everything in my life, I’ve got the best life. I have very little reasons to feel the way I do about myself. That’s the frustrating part for myself, having to talk about it and being open to the people in my life because my brain is lying to me, consistently.
I do have a lot to be proud of:
I earned a degree (something teachers as well as others said I couldn’t because of my work ethic and bad grades) (Update: i learned about my bad grades this year, more on that another time)
I am a coach on an indigenous provincial team
I have a great job
Great friends
Have a very supportive family
I managed to get a PS5 on day one!
The best partner, who loves me more than I can fathom.
A great dog who always makes our day better, even if he's a nuisance at times. (UPDATE: 3 dogs)
I just bought a house.
I’m going to be an uncle in July. (Update: an uncle to an amazing niece)
I’ve been coaching here for almost 10 years!
I could go on and on.
If you do see any of the symptoms I talked about earlier in yourself or someone you know, look to take care of it as soon as you can. These feelings do not go away if you don’t take care of it now. You do not want to be like me, in my 30’s, realizing I have held myself back from a lot of great opportunities throughout my life because I had these preconceived ideas about myself that were far from true.
Reach out to your parents, friends, coaches, guidance counselors, you have mental health staff here to help and guide you to a place where you can live a better life, with a few small adjustments.
There are a lot of resources out there to help you in a time of need.
Remember you are not alone, even in the worst situations. Even if it feels like you deserve the worst you are still loved. I know, I’ve been there. I’ve made every mistake in the book. But I’ve redeemed myself every time.
There’s a lot of great things in life, especially in the next few years. Going away to college or university, getting to live on your own, having your own bit of freedom among other things.
Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.
If you find someone going down that road, or see it in yourself, please reach out for help.
We need you around, the world is a better place for having you.
Especially this year, we all need to be supportive towards each other. Thanks, Take care of yourself and the people around you.